Reframing Your Conversations
Last week, I worked with a leadership team of an organisation in a state of growth. Several new staff and new initiatives are being introduced. And - there are pockets of resistance. Leaders find themselves having what they termed difficult conversations. We were learning how to have better conversations. That is having conversations and creating conversational spaces that meet the needs of all participants. The first step was to rebrand the conversation - from difficult to important.
Sit with that one for a bit.
Difficult conversation - how does that label make you feel?
Hesitant, unsure, like you need to win or at least go into battle? Put your big person undies on and wade in? It does for me. High energy and low pleasantness.
Important conversation - how does that label make you feel?
Motivated, curious, engaged, optimistic? Ah yes, much better. High energy, high pleasantness.
The energy around the labels is different.
What you are thinking and feeling about a conversation determines how you show up in the conversation.
In a conversation, the state matters more than the script.
The more we can master the thinking and chemistry behind those statements - difficult vs important - the better off we will be.
Interactions initiate chemical cocktails. It is in understanding these chemical reactions that we can reset and rebrand how we do interpersonal interactions and conversations. Conversations are a science, not just a thing we do. There is a world of biochemistry involved that can make or break the impact of a conversation.
Try relabelling difficult conversations as important conversations.
Feel the difference. The energy around the label has an impact!
In this situation, we were discussing an openly defiant team member. From the leaders' understanding, the proposed changes had been agreed upon by the whole team. Yet, he was now facing a series of loud, confronting, vocalised kickbacks from this particular person. The leader was wondering how he was best to manage this problem. I encouraged him to shift his mindset to one of leading the person instead of managing the process. These are two very different lenses from which to operate and result in very different conversations.
Often in these situations, we tend to continue to push. To tell and to instruct. Unfortunately, nothing really changes when people are pushed, told and instructed. The social chemistry of this situation is such that participants are in defend and protect mode. Behaviours are driven by the triggered amygdala active cortisol response where we are in a state of blame, accusation, and judgement. The most likely outcome of all of this? Blame, shame, fight, flight, freeze, appease.
There might be a quick fix in the short term, but in the long term, the lack of trust undermines the foundations of relationships and results in time-consuming communication breakdowns and behaviours such as -
Poor communication - There are various ways communication can go awry: too little information, intimidation, snide comments, leaving out essential details, lack of engagement, hiding behind closed doors, unclear directives, and inaccurate guidance.
Negative workplace conversations.
Relationship issues - The Saratoga Institute found that 75-80% of people leave jobs because of relationship issues, either with co-workers or the people to whom they report.
Lying and rumour spreading beginning to seep into the culture.
Try this
Try reframing from difficult to important conversations and let me know what changes. Your biochemistry and neurochemistry will be altered, which will put you in a different state, resulting in a different approach to the conversation.
Be courageous and try something new.
You are doing great.
Tab ;-)
