Conversation Culture - It's a thing, and we need to be aware of it!

13 Oct

The Statistics

It's a fact - 9/10 conversations miss the mark. This statistic came out of a research study at Stanford University and completely blew my mind. It made me wonder - is it true, and what might be the impact if this is indeed the case?

So I started to take more notice of behaviours in conversations. I began listening to what is being said and also for what is not being said. I started looking for and noticing what triggers people in their conversations and the resulting emotions and behaviours that match these triggers.

What I saw and observed is that our conversations are mostly not hitting the mark. At all. On reflection, I realised that the outcomes of conversations not hitting the mark is something I have been seeing and responding to all of my life.

In 9/10 conversations, biochemically, people engage with each other from a position of protection rather than a connection. 9/10! Here is a statistic that needs to change.

How much potential and merit are we missing out on by not having great conversations? Conversations that miss the mark are not unlocking potential, so how can organisations ever be the best versions of themselves when their internal conversations lack impact?

At Tabitha Leonard NZ, we are passionate about making a difference in how you interact at work. We want schools to be more coach-like and grow transformational cultures of coaching. To have more conversations that lead to growth and wellbeing. And we are passionate about shifting the statistics so that MORE of our conversations have the desired impact. With understanding, we can notice and then work to change our conversation behaviours. It's all about relationships. We need to learn to notice the neurochemistry of conversation so that we can be together and work together in a way that makes a difference.

The Current State of the Conversation Landscape.

When not done right, conversational behaviours and, accordingly, conversational culture can cripple an organisation.

Bad Social Chemistry - Below the line conversation culture behaviours

Teams that don't listen to each other
Revealing less than what we know or what is helpful to move forward
Expecting more than what is possible
Assuming the worst in others
Looking at situations with caution
Interpreting communications with fear
Revealing secrets we promised not to tell
Being a "Yes person" to avoid confronting the truth

These are all fear responses to interactions that happen daily. If we understand our conversation behaviours' biochemistry, we can up-regulate the useful and down-regulate the unuseful. We can move from these below the line behaviours to the hugely more productive above the line conversation culture behaviours below.

Good Social Chemistry - Above the line conversation culture behaviours

Listening to connect
Collaborating and contributing openly
Sharing whatever is possible (as much as?)
Assuming everyone is doing their best
Looking at situations with curiosity
Interpreting communications with a growth mindset
Acting in a manner that builds trust
Engaging in unfiltered and passionate debates of ideas

It's all in the chemistry, and understanding this chemistry makes it easier to change. It is time to awaken, elevate and change how we are together. Harness the power of insights into interpersonal neurobiochemistry to change the way we work.

Try This!

One Small Thing is no Small Thing.
Connection in conversation shifts the biochemistry and enables participants to build trust quickly so that conversations hit the mark.
One thing you can do today to shift the conversation to connect - to others ideas - instead of protect - your opinion.

Listen more than you speak.
Pause in the conversation to allow other participants to contribute beyond their first 125 words. That is where you will find the gold in your team.

Take notice of your conversation behaviours.
Let's start with what you are thinking as you engage in a conversation. Take notice of how you are feeling and responding. Is it more above or below the line? There will be things going on in the conversation space that will trigger you into behaviours of high or low trust. What does the conversation feel like? How are those feelings showing up in your body? and What meaning do you give those feelings?

This exercise is not to find fault; it is to shine a light on conversation behaviours. Once you know what is happening, you can begin to make meaning and put into action things that will make your conversations better.