Why we don’t speak up!

13 Oct

From a very early age, I was told that “small children were to be seen and not heard”. I was a product of a mixed marriage and my step-siblings were at least 8 years older than me. Anything I might have had to say or contribute was irrelevant in comparison to what anyone else might have to say. There was simply no room for my opinions, thought or feelings on any given topic, so I kept quiet.

If I ever did speak up, what I said was ignored, or counteracted. If I contributed to a family conversation, I was made to feel that my thoughts were irrelevant in comparison to what anyone else contributed.

While this is still a work in progress for me, I have learnt along the way that speaking up takes three forms of courage and has its own vulnerability.

- the courage to speak up and contribute.
- the courage to listen to connect not reject.
- the courage to stay in discovery until you find the best way for your voice to be heard.

Fear is a core reason we don’t speak up. It expresses itself in multiple ways & can present in our bodies as any number of emotions, including from slight anxiety to outright fear.
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Fear is an emotion and it is emotions that trigger physiological changes at the cellular level that are activated in response to an external stimulus. Our sympathetic nervous system triggers a response that creates a chemical cascade that causes changes to our physiology at the cellular level. These are perceived by the brain as thoughts and feelings and presents as changes in our physical state such as elevated heart rate, a quickening of breath, sweating, tightening of the stomach. Fear has biochemistry and therefore physiology.

Chemistry plays a big role in our conversational interactions. When we face criticism, rejection or fear, or we feel marginalized or minimized, our bodies produce higher levels of cortisol, a hormone that shuts down the thinking centre of our brain and activates conflict aversion and protection behaviours. We become more reactive and sensitive and often perceive even greater judgment and negativity than actually exists. These effects can last for 26 hours or more, imprinting the interaction on our memories and magnifying the impact it has on our future behaviour. Cortisol functions like a sustained-release tablet - the more we ruminate about our fear, the longer the impact.

Often, when we are in a state of uncertainty we instinctively move back into fear which creates a cycle of distrust. Fear trumps trust because cortisol trumps oxytocin. The impact of cortisol has a much further reach in our brain, an organ that has evolved over billions of years to protect us from harm.

So how do we move out of fear? A very big question and one that many, many thinkers, philosophers authors and others have attempted to explain. However, we can start small.

Small changes can have enormous impacts on the Neurochemistry of conversations and fear. And the first step is to begin to notice when you drop into fear and feel like you can’t speak up. Recognise and name the triggers of conversational fear for you. Everyone has different triggers and different levels of fear response to their personal triggers.

As a Social Scientist, I have studied conversational behaviours for over twenty years. It is rare for a team to come together and remain in a state of fearlessness. Everyone gets triggered at some point in the conversation, even when there is high trust between the participants.
Judith Glaser, in her work around conversational intelligence, identified these triggers of fear that stop people from speaking up. These triggers activate the sympathetic nervous system and amygdala response.

Tone trigger — judgmental or angry tone is felt as a threat to our ego.
Hurt trigger — a threat to our physical safety and to our ego.
Risk of rejection trigger — fear of failure or making mistakes and being rejected.
Exclusion trigger — looking stupid in front of others and being ostracized.
Anger trigger — fear of someone’s anger toward us and not knowing how to respond.
Territory trigger — having our territory limited, diminished or encroached.
Status trigger — challenge to our status or making us feel small.

Take notice of the things that trigger you in conversation and stop you from giving voice to your ideas. If we fear that speaking up will lead to rejection, we may give up or silence our voice, or speak our voice in an unauthentic way. Giving up our voice masks our true identity and diminishes our uniqueness – a decision that can lead to illness, failure to thrive and ultimately to shaping a disempowering life.