Conversational Assumptions

Assumptions cast the biggest shadow in a conversation

We often assume that what we experience within a conversation - what we hear, think and see - is the same experience for all participants. It is this assumption that is the primary cause of misunderstanding.  Each person enters the conversation from their own perspective and unique worldview. The reason why so many of our conversations miss the mark is that we assume that everyone is "on the same page".
 
This assumption can lead us to -

- Not check in with each other's understanding
- Not attempt to create a shared understanding
- Default to conversations where one person dominates and tells, sells and yells.
- Leave people feeling like they have not been heard.

Assumptions within conversations are alive and well in our household.

On Saturday whilst cleaning the pool, I overheard my husband Paddy running through a to-do list of jobs in the backyard with my son Troy who was “listening”. And by listening, I mean nodding his head and making like he was engaged in the conversation. In reality, though, it was basically a one-way exchange. As I witnessed the conversation draw to a close and the two of them part ways, I’m thinking to myself…"Hmm, that appeared to go well."

Five minutes passed. I was finishing up, and, sure enough, I heard Paddy bellow "TROY! Get out here and do the leaves - NOW!"

So, what's actually happened here?
What is said vs what is implied vs what is heard

-Paddy assumes Troy has picked up what was implied - the lawns need to be mowed and the leaves need raking before this can happen. He believes that Troy had heard the unsaid urgency of the task by the tone of his voice.

Said - rake up the leaves
Unsaid - so I can mow the lawns
Heard - do the leaves… when you are ready.

I’m fairly certain that you will be familiar with this type of scenario and are likely to have experienced something similar within your family.

In a transactional conversation like this one which involved a to-do list, it is always important to check-in and create a shared understanding. When you do this, you can avoid frustration, anger and sulky teenagers who hate being spoken at; told what to do and actually only desire to be part of the decision making in the first place.

So, what steps we can take to move beyond the problem?
Try flipping your conversations from:
Less talking → more listening.
Less influencing → more co-creating
Less dominant voice → more collective voice

Here's to better conversations - with the right people and in the right way - to make a more significant impact for all. If you'd like to have a conversation with us to discuss the communication culture in your workplace. we'd love to hear from you, please feel free to get in touch.

Good luck with your conversations!

Until next time

Be courageous and try something new.

You are doing great.

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