Why We Default To React Rather Than Respond

Moments of reactivity are all around us, here are some from my family experience…..
 
Scenario One:
Child announces on Monday morning that she needs materials for her science project -TODAY - that you don’t have readily available in the house.
What do you do?
What do you want to do?
How is your dialogue placed? Reactive or responsive?
 
Scenario Two:
Child announces the morning of, that there is a mufti-day at school, and it is a gold coin donation. I mean, who carries cash these days?
What do you do?
What do you want to do?
How is your dialogue placed? Reactive or responsive?
 
Scenario Three:
You come home to find your lovey new puppy has eaten your best pair of shoes - because your daughter left your bedroom door open.
What do you do?
What do you want to do?
How is your dialogue placed? Reactive or responsive?
 
Scenario Four:
You get home to find the dog has chucked up all over the carpet and no one has cleaned it up yet.
What do you do?
What do you want to do?
How is your dialogue placed? Reactive or responsive?
 
Now, here are some that are more serious; and related to work rather than home scenarios.
-You just found out that a team member has complained about you behind your back to your line manager.
-You’ve discovered that some of your team are badmouthing you behind your back, and yet they are nice as pie in person.
-A colleague has carried out a task in a way that completely contradicts what you agreed upon.
-A colleague has broken your trust by gossiping about something confidential you told her.


What all these scenarios have in common is that they result in a heightened emotional state, a state that triggers a physiological response. There is a difference between reactive dialogue and responsive dialogue. It’s essential to understand the difference, as the outcomes of each are markedly different. 
 
It takes mindful communication to A, B, C, D before you respond or react. More on this below…
 
Emotions
 
Emotions are an important source of information about what is going on inside us. Our multiple senses bring us news from our bodies, our minds, and the outside world, and then our brains process and analyse it and formulate our experience. We call that result a feeling.
 
Strong, negative emotions like fear, anger, anxiety and hopelessness, tend to narrow our minds—it is as though our peripheral vision has been cut off because we’re so focused on the peril that’s front and centre. There is actually a physiological side to this phenomenon. When these negative feelings are present, our brains respond by secreting cortisol, the stress hormone. This inhibits the prefrontal cortex from effectively processing information, so even at a neurocognitive level, our ability to focus and learn is impaired. In response to this, we fly into react mode. We are psychologically incapable of rational thinking, therefore responding in a rational way.
 
Our emotional state determines where we direct our attention and our decision making: when we’re in the grip of any strong emotion—for instance, anger or sadness, but also elation or joy—we perceive the world differently, and the choices we make at that moment are influenced, for better or for worse. 
 
Our emotions also influence our social relations. What we feel, and how we interpret other people’s feelings, sends signals to approach or avoid, to affiliate with someone or distance ourselves, to reward or punish. So, it is no wonder that, if we are not mindful and aware of our emotions and our reactions to events and situations, we default to react mode.
 
Reactive dialogue is triggered by our thoughts being in react mode, and these thoughts trigger a physiological response.  When we are in react mode, cortisol floods our brain. Cortisol causes our frontal cortex to freeze, and therefore, our rational brain becomes inactive. Cortisol activates our amygdala - our primitive brain - triggering a fight or flight response. When our rational brain is offline, we are unable to make or see sense and accordingly, swing in to react mode. 
 
It is only through practise that we master the reactivity monster. 
A practise is something you give quality attention to daily, sometimes hour by hour, sometimes moment by moment. You get better at it the more you practice. Some people practise yoga, or mindfulness, or meditation. As one of my clients put it, making this a practice rewired his brain. Include this into your daily practice, and soon, you’ll see with new eyes and hear with new ears, and you will be able to respond more and react less.
 
When you feel the trigger, it is a sign that you are emotionally responding negatively to something happening around you. Switch out of reacting and into responding by following these steps:

A.B.C.D.
 
Aware – Build awareness of when your reactive state has been triggered.
 
Breathe - Breathing floods the brain with oxygen, which calms the fight or flight response and activates the release of oxytocin,a hormone that helps quieten the sympathetic nervous system that is centred around the amygdala and the fight or flight reaction.  
 
Curiosity - With the sympathetic nervous system quietened, the rational brain begins to question to gather more information to support the decision-making process. Take the time to catch the thoughts that are in your head. While being curious, we create the space and the time to make sense and meaning of what is happening so we can respond more rationally. Oscar Trimboli, in his book Deep Listening: Impact Beyond Words, discusses the 125/900 rule. We speak, on average,125 words per minute, yet we think, on average, 900 words per minute. In switching from react to respond mode, we can capture some of those other 700 odd words.
 
Decide - More data and information enables a better level of choice about whether to react or respond.
Choose to respond every time, and you will experience much better outcomes for your communications.

 
When we practice mindful communication, we see higher levels of relationships, ownership of work, collaboration, cooperation, loyalty and trust, which lowers incidents of miscommunication. Why not include this into your daily practise and see what an impact it makes for you?