Practising Presence
Research indicates that in 80% of your conversations, your focus is not entirely on the conversation, and thus you are not fully present.
Attention and presence are directly correlated. Your attention determines what you perceive, learn and remember and how you interact with others, amongst other things. Attention can only be used in the moment, here and now and is partial to distraction.
We become distracted by all sorts of things. Distractions are the things that prevent us from being fully present in conversations, yet it is the one thing you can change that will transform your conversations.
Presence is a coaching intelligence core competency, and it begins with you and only you.
Presence
“Staying in the moment with full and conscious awareness of self and others, paying attention to the present moment, on purpose, and without judgment and being wholly tuned into the person, what they are saying and what they seem to be feeling.
Understanding what is personally being thought and felt at any given moment. Being careful not to project those thoughts and feelings onto the other person, thus creating a genuine, authentic connection.”
When a distraction pops up, either from the environment (external) or from your mind (internal), your automatic attention bops right over to it. The internal distractions are the distractions in our minds. The external ones are things like the mobile phone, laptops, or devices, or it could be external with the car going by if you're in a coffee shop.
It feels hard because we can get into this downward spiral quite often. We race off in distraction. Our mind wanders, and it keeps wandering, and then we've entirely forgotten we've got to come back into the conversation.
Moving to be fully present in a conversation starts with you, and it is about you knowing where your attention is moment by moment, which takes mindfulness. We lack internal cues about where our attention is from moment to moment. And for this, there is a solution: pay attention to your attention.
Being fully present starts with you
If our attention influences our ability to be present in the moment, our attention also impacts our ability to listen. Much of the listening literature from the '80s and the '90s talk about being focused and fixated on the speaker. Helpful but not powerful and productive. You need to be available to the speaker. You need to clear a space in your mind to make a space where the conversation can land. Make sure that you've got space in your mind to be available to listen to what the other person is saying. The simplest way to do that is to take a few deep breaths. The deeper you breathe, the more focused you are with your attention on the present moment, the deeper you listen.
Other factors that facilitate presence include thinking about where the conversation is best carried out, when is the best time to have the conversation, and how. Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do when it comes to being more present is to pick a time to have an effective conversation rather than when emotions might be high or people's distractions are particularly evident.
The deeper you breathe, the more focused your attention, the deeper you listen.
To increase the effectiveness of any conversation, think carefully about where you're having this discussion and how you will reduce the distractions. We want to minimise the distractions that we can see and the distractions we can hear. For example, lowering distractions might mean simply putting yourself in a quiet room for some people.
The difference between someone present and someone who isn't present in a conversation is that the fully present listener knows and notices they're distracted and does something about it. Whereas the person who isn't fully present continues on.
Questions to ask that set you up and enable you to be completely present in a conversation.
Before:
What do I need to clear from my mind to be fully present in this conversation?
What are the things that are likely to distract me?
Naming the distraction removes its power over you. When you bring the possible distractions to the forefront of your mind, you shine a light of awareness on them, which stops them from being a distraction for you, thus allowing you to be fully present.
Slow down. Stop and breathe.
Pay attention to the quality of your breath, and try counting out your breaths with different techniques. Ocean breathing is one technique. Breathe slowly through your nose, taking care to fill your lungs and breath or slowly, repeat, and you will notice your breathing begins to sound like the ocean.
During:
Am I noticing my breathing?
You need to be present at the moment to notice your breathing. It is a great way to become focused in the present moment and prepare to be present in the conversation.
How deeply am I breathing?
The deeper you breathe, the deeper you listen, and the greater the degree of presence you and the other person will experience.
How can I hold the silence longer than I usually would without becoming distracted?
Am I completely immersed in this conversation?
What do I notice about myself in this conversation?
How long have I been focused on the speaker?
How curious am I in this conversation?
Some of these have been adapted from the deep listening cards - oscar Trimboli - you can purchase a set here- https://www.oscartrimboli.com/product/deep-listening-impact-beyond-words-paperback-book-playing-cards/.
Until next time
Be courageous and try something new.
You are doing great.
Tab :-)
