“To be effective coaches, we need to build relationships and Trust—and to do that, we need to ask great questions and listen effectively.”

Knight, Jim. The Definitive Guide to Instructional Coaching.

Speaking on stage has always been a challenge. It's not something I find easy. All that attention on me makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. The butterfly's in my stomach are jumping around so much I feel like vomiting.

So when I attended a speakership training course, I took a deep dive for three days into the world of keynote speaking. I was in the room with some extremely successful keynote speakers, and to be honest, I felt out of place. Participating in and completing this course was a courageous stretch. I felt the emotional discomfort yet chose to do it anyway.

On day three, we took turns to stand in front of the whole cohort and speak a small section of our keynote. The purpose of the exercise was to gain speaking milage and tap into the expertise in the room for feedback.

It was one of the most overwhelming experiences of my life. To stand in front of a room of talented people, many of which made their living from keynote speaking and receiving feedback from them is entirely something else.

Before we started on the third day, the session was well-framed and explained to support trust-building. However, even when you desire to Trust and are told the environment is safe - that you can Trust the process, it is not always easy to Trust. Trust yourself or others. - it is up to you to own your Trust.

Trust comes from within.

Trust begins with each of us personally, then continues into our relationships and expands out to the rest of the room.

Therefore, Trust comes from within - it is something we give. It starts with ourselves. In The Thin Book of Trust: An Essential Primer for Building Trust at Work, Charles Feltman defines Trust as "choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person's actions.",

Woah, I invite you to pause on that definition and reflect.

Making something you value vulnerable to another person's actions is the heart of Trust in a coaching context. In a coaching conversation, the other person will only open up to the degree they trust you. Trust can only come from the giver. Trust is given when evidence supports that it is safe to give.

Brene Brown, in her work, shares a story of the marble jar. Amongst a group, moments of Trust-building add marbles to the jar, and moments of distrust remove marbles. It requires marbles in the Trust jar for someone to give trust. Stephen M.R Covey in Speed Of Trust tells of Trust accounts, thinking of Trust as a currency where each person has a Trust balance in their account when it comes to others. The balance between two people is dependent on the relationship and their past experiences with each other. And to add to the complexity, the Trust value of an action is individualised for every person. For some, an action taken by another person may be deemed of high Trust value by one person, but not by another.

So back to my Speakership experience. In the case of the speaking feedback, while I had been told I could trust the process, that it was safe (and it was), I had no historical Trust-building experiences with those giving the feedback. The public receiving of feedback was not the correct forum for me, and I could not process the information coming at me. My Trust jar - with myself or of others was void of marbles. The Trust account was in debt. Therefore I was not in a positive balance and not in a position to engage with Trust. - no matter the environment or the actions taken by others to create a high Trust environment.

In a coaching context, Trust comes from the coachee in the first instance. A coach can take deliberate actions that build Trust with the client. Actions before, during and after the conversation that builds Trust.

Trust-building is not a single event; it's a journey.

“It turns out that Trust is, in fact, earned in the smallest of moments. It is earned not through heroic deeds or even highly visible actions but through paying attention, listening, and gestures of genuine care and connection.
Trust is the stacking and layering of small moments and reciprocal vulnerability over time. Trust and vulnerability grow together, and to betray one is to destroy both.”
Brene Brown - Dare to Lead

I have researched the literature and read many books on Trust. There is much I could write about Trust, the importance of Trust and how we build Trust. The best model I can find that breaks Trust down into seven elements that fit within the Coaching IntelligenceTM Methodology is Brene Browns BRAVING Trust acronym - Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Non-Judgement, Generosity.

These seven criteria concertina nicely into Charles Feltman (The Thin Book of Trust) Trust model; the four keys of Trust - Care, Sincerity, Reliability, Competence, which sit nicely within Covey two key areas of Trust - character (Care, Sincerity, Reliability) and competence.

As I shared in my last post about the Coaching Intelligence Principle one - Partnership, cultivating connection is catalysed by Trust, and Trust is cultivated through empathy. It is only when we deliberately set aside our own biases (and, as humans, we all have them) that we can truly begin to understand a situation from another's worldview. When we empathise with another person, we can respond in ways that work for them instead of what our worldview thinks is right. It can be challenging – especially in high-pressure situations, but the rewards of responding with empathy are long and deep.

Trust is so important in the coaching context that Trust is one of the seven core coaching competencies outlined by the International Coaching Federation; Cultivate Trust and safety.

Trust plays a critical role in cultivating safety.

Violate a behaviour of character— Decrease Trust.

Demonstrate a behaviour of competence — Increase Trust

In a coaching context, certain qualities characterise an environment that is safe and encourages Trust in the coaching relationship. Coachees can reach higher and go further when those conditions are in place because the Trust and assurance built into the relationship are more than a safety net. It is a dynamic springboard of support that allows individuals to reach for what otherwise might seem unreachable. These essential environmental qualities shape the coaching relationship.

With each act of vulnerability, a little more breathing space is built, and a bit more Trust is added to the relationship. Additional Trust makes the environment safer and allows coachees to be more courageous. When the environment is right, it creates its own self-reinforcing system for vulnerability and growth.

Trust has its own neurochemistry

The other thing we must consider is; Trust has its own neurochemistry. Oxytocin maintains the balance between self and other, Trust and distrust, approach and withdrawal. In the space of Trust, the brain releases oxytocin, the balance shifts toward empathy, and we contribute resources to help others. In the absence of trust, Cortisol is present in numbers significant enough to move towards the fight, flight, freeze, appease type behaviours. No one can cognitively or emotionally connect in that state as the Neuro systems required to do so are offline.

Coaching intelligence is about being aware of the neurochemical cocktail mix for the other person and adjusting Trust actions accordingly to flood the neuro system with oxytocin again.

In the absence of Trust, coaching conversations stay in the safe zone, above the iceberg kind of stuff. Trust is vital to get below the water line and tap into people's thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a coaching conversation to gain true insight, deep reflection, and transformative results.

**The Coaching IntelligenceTM definition of Trust:**

***TRUST***: Built on actions taken in the smallest moments. A journey, not an event. It is something that comes from within and is given to another person. Trust can be built on actions that relate to character and competence that exist when we demonstrate care, sincerity, reliability and competence.

Five Actions We Can Take To Create Trust.

CARE: Create Transparency

Skill Sets For Create Transparency

Creating Transparency rather than being vague or having a hidden agenda.
Creating Clarity of expectations rather than creating distance when the unexpected happens.
Articulating key thoughts, observations and insights for others rather than inserting your interpretation or opinion.

CARE: Demonstrate Compassion

Skill Sets For Demonstrate Compassion

Offering support, empathy or concern rather than apathy, a lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.
Acknowledging and supporting the expression of feelings, perceptions, concerns, beliefs or suggestions without judgement rather than
Practising compassion rather than showing pity and comparing to self or treating others as if they are invisible.
Being open and willing to move within the conversation rather than fixed to a preset agenda.

SINCERITY: Practice Patience

Skill Sets For **Practice Patience**
*Committing your full attention to the other person* rather than being distracted and disengaged.
*Practising non-judgement* rather than comparing, blaming or distancing
*Being encouraging and non-judgemental* rather than opinionated and bossy.
*Focusing on someone's potential* rather than their performance.

RELIABILITY: Represent Reliability

Skill Sets For Represent Reliability

Do what you say you are going to do instead of over-committing and under-delivering.
Uphold confidentiality rather than openly sharing or gossiping behind closed doors.
Committing to openly communicating changes in plans rather than assuming “she'll be right”.

COMPETENCE: Demonstrate Competence

Skill Sets For Demonstrate Competence

Committing to being curious rather than acting on preconceptions, assumptions and judgements.
Committing to the art of coaching and showing confidence in questioning rather than instructing and telling.
Exhibiting coaching skills that build confidence rather than turning up uncertain.
Choosing Courage rather than comfort in the coaching conversation.

**COACHING INTELLIGENCE - PRIMING FOR TRUST**

This is an activity from the workbook that supports Conversations That Matter.

Download the resouce here

Until next time

Be courageous and try something new.

You are doing great.

Tab

Coaching Intelligence™

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References

Brown, C.B. (2018). Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough conversations. Whole hearts. New York: Penguin Random House.

Brown, C.B. (2021) Atlas of the Heart; mapping the meaning of connection and the language of human experience. New York: Penguin Random House.

Bungay Stanier, M. (2016). The Coaching Habit; say less, ask more and change the way you lead forever. Toronto. Box of Crayons Press.

Covey, S. M. R. (2008). The speed of Trust. Simon & Schuster.

Feltman. Charles. The Thin Book of Trust: An Essential Primer for Building Trust at Work. Thin Book Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Glasser, J. (2014). Conversational Intelligence, how great leaders build trust and get extraordinary results. New York: Bibliomotion Inc.

Goleman, D. (2006). Social Intelligence; the new science of human relationships. London. Penguin Random House.

Kimsey-House, Henry; Kimsey-House, Karen; Sandahl, Phillip; Whitworth, Laura. Co-Active Coaching: The proven framework for transformative conversations at work and in life - 4th edition. John Murray Press. Kindle Edition.

Knight. J. (2022). The Definitive Guide to Instructional Coaching. Seven factors for success. ASCD. Kindle Edition

Knight, J. (2016). Better Conversations; coaching ourselves and each other to be more credible, caring and connected. London. Sage Publications Ltd.

Zak, P. J. (2012). The Moral Molecule; the new science of what makes us good or evil. London. Transworld Publishers.

Zak, P. J. (2017). Trust factor: The science of creating high-performance companies. AMACOM.

Coaching Intelligence Principle Two - Trust