A Real Story About The Importance of Presence.

Being fully present in a conversation is not always easy. The key to presence is that presence starts with you. Therefore, you need to be prepared to be present yourself before you can be present with another person in conversation.

Many things cause us to pull away from being present, which is centred around emotion. Often, the desire to step away from hard things is almost impossible to ignore. I experienced precisely this last week with my daughter.

Before I could pick her up from the bus after school, I got this text:

"My ID photo is so bad; I look chubby; I need it to be redone".

My heart broke, I thought to myself, "oh god, I am not a councillor; how am I going to deal with this?"

I had been here myself as a teenager. My mother had tried to make the emotions go away with positive reinforcement. It never worked.

I could see I had my work cut out for me once she got off the bus.

I replied, "I see a beautiful young woman; let's chat once you get off the bus ".

I needed to respond with something. I couldn't stay silent. I know how this works. She would create a story around the lack of reply that went along the lines of.. “she agrees” , meaning I agreed. I sure as hell DID NOT!

When I picked her up from the school bus, I could see things had not eased. Then, as soon as she stepped into the car, she offloaded. Understandable. I had created the space to do so in my earlier text.

Her eyes welled up as she sat in the passenger seat, looking out the front window and sharing her thoughts, feelings and beliefs about herself.

It was beyond hard to sit with her in her rolling mass of emotion as she shared with me what she thought.

I could feel this was a massive thing for her. Every cell in my body wanted to tell her what she was saying wasn't true. It didn't matter. It was fine. She needs to stop worrying and move on. It was a beautiful photo.

But I didn't. I sat with her as she churned. As she cried. I could feel the black ball of emotion rolling off her—a mass of anger, frustration, self-judgment, hate, shame.

God, it was hard.

I wanted nothing more than to swing into action and fix it all!

I could call the school. I could advise her about what she could do

But I didn't. I sat with her and her emotions. Not taking them on, just letting them be - present.

After what felt like the longest time, her words' flow began to ease, and the emotions dissipated.

I could sense the moment we were ready to explore how to rethink this whole thing.

As she began to calm down, I asked her what she needed.

Her answers were representative of things that were not possible. All were examples of ideas framed in fight/flight.

I acknowledged her ideas and asked her what it would take to change how she thought about this situation.

With some acknowledging, digging, exploring and asking, "And what else" she decided she needed to make some changes to her photo. So we began a process where we redesigned it until we got to a point where what we created was so funny it had lost its potency.

My daughter then decided she would make a list - 101 things you can do to make your ID photo better. A list that could help other girls feel better about their ID photos: we laughed and laughed as she shared the list with me later that evening.

You see, this experience ended in a very different place than it would have if I had not stayed present and in empathy. Had I not doubled down on my coaching skills, I would have moved away into sympathy and fix-it mode, telling her all the things that would have made me feel better, but done nothing to help my daughter.

In Atlas of the Heart - Brene Brown unpacked the difference between empathy and sympathy, which I believe is relevant here.

Empathy is not sympathy—in fact, using the near enemy concept, we can definitely consider sympathy the near enemy of empathy. Rather than being a tool for connection, sympathy emerged in the data as a form of disconnection. Sympathy is removed: When someone says "I feel sorry for you" or "That must be terrible," they are standing at a safe distance. Rather than conveying the powerful "me too" of empathy, it communicates "not me," then adds, "But I do feel sorry for you."

Empathy is not relating to an experience; it connects to what someone is feeling about an experience.

How we move away from being present

So often, we move away from discomfort. Thus we move away from being present. Usually, this all happens at an unconscious level, meaning we are unaware we are doing it. If we can surface the invisible around our behaviour in our interactions, we can begin to be more present in conversations for others.

Here are some common ways we move away from being present in conversations.

Set to fix the problem
Make the problem go away
Tell them things are not that bad.
Tell them it's not that important; it just doesn't matter.
Tell them to get over it and move on.

One of my favourites from my childhood - sticks and stones….

And the common theme in all of these:

We are moving away from our own discomfort.

Staying present is about being in our own discomfort

For me, Presence in a coaching conversation starts with how we listen. When I am busy getting dinner in the kitchen, my daughter will often come in and want to tell me about her day. It takes deliberate attention and a shift in behaviour to pause and create the space to be fully present.

I am incredibly cognisant of knowing when someone is not fully present and participating when in conversation with me. I recognise how that feels, and I am cautious to not be that way with others.

"Before engaging in dialogue, you need to start from a quiet place within yourself."
Oscar Trimboli - Deep Listening, Impact Beyond Words

Research determines that 86% of people are stuck at level one listening – listening with distraction. In this situation, we listen only to make a right to reply and with a constant flow of self-talk dialogue that ultimately distracts us from listening deeply. Rather than thinking about listening better, Trimboli's work encourages us to identify that it can be more helpful to identify and recognise signs of what bad listening looks like to prevent lousy listening from happening.

We need time to tune in and recognise what is running through our minds, then clear away this clutter and create a space to hear others.

Presence Starts With Yourself

Cory Muscara in his book Stop Missing Your Life, describes Presence as such:

"Presence is a quality of being that is unmistakably attractive about a person. People with Presence feel both grounded and open, deeply okay with themselves and able to share that okayness with others, able to experience the layers of their emotions and not be consumed by them. And there's no faking presence. I mean, you can try. But faking is contrary to Presence itself. It goes deeper than external appearances or surface-level actions. Presence allows us to lead our lives from a place of love, not be driven by the bait of fear. Truly embodied Presence is a quality most humans are drawn toward."

Once we have clarity about ourselves, we can connect with others in a more intentional way. - Jay Shetty

The Science of Presence

Presence for me is unquestionably a transmission of energy. Bioenergy research at The National Institutes of Health (NIH) demonstrate levels of heart-rate synchronisation in all communication. It's already been established that mothers synchronise with their baby's heart rate, even in utero.

The Institute of HeartMath's research demonstrates that the heart, like the brain, generates a powerful electromagnetic field. Director of Research Rollin McCraty reports that "The heart generates the largest electromagnetic field in the body which contains specific information or coding, that's transmitted throughout and outside of the body. One of the most significant findings of IHM's research is that intentionally generated positive emotions can change this information/coding.

Being in our full Presence with others is a choice.

It's a rare natural state for most of us – we have to work at it.

The Coaching IntelligenceTM definition of Presence:

***PRESENCE***: Staying in the moment with full and conscious awareness of self and others, paying attention to the present moment, on purpose, and without judgment.
It is about being completely tuned in to the words people choose and the surfacing emotions. It is being aware of and understanding what is personally being thought and felt at any given moment and being careful not to project those thoughts and feelings onto the client.
Presence leads to a genuine and authentic connection.

No matter how much you practice being more present, you never fully arrive. It is an art – a work in progress. Author Eckhart Tolle refers to it as a "choosing to emerge in a given moment."

There are four core qualities and abilities essential if we are to become more present to our own experience. A commitment to developing these qualities serves us in every area of our lives. They are fundamental to becoming more mindful.

Awaken Awareness

It is essential to awaken awareness of self, others and context. Awareness is the foundation of what we do, why we do it and how we do it.

Presence starts with self - how we listen, observe and feel.

Enable Emotional Flexibility

Emotional flexibility is knowing when you are triggered and shifting your feelings into a more resourceful state.

Sharpen Your Senses

Emotions are signposts (Susan David - Emotional Agility) that tell us what we are unconsciously sensing at any given time. Increasing your ability to recognise, understand, label, express and regulate our emotional responses enables us to stay present in a conversation.

Marc Brackett - Permission to Feel has created an efficient framework in which we can become more aware of and utilise the information of emotion labels when they arise. It is called the RULER framework.

In the RULER framework, the first three skills—Recognising, Understanding, and Labelling—help us identify and decode what we and others are feeling accurately. Then, the two remaining skills—Expressing and Regulating—tell us how to manage those emotions to achieve the desired outcomes—our ultimate goal.

Choose Courage Over Comfort

Presence requires your willingness to tell yourself the truth about your own experience. Courage is the basis for your ability to interact with integrity. This is particularly challenging when we are in conflict, which is, conversely, the most crucial time to stay fully present.
The invitation to be present offers itself over and over. There are endless opportunities for practice. With every experience, you get the chance to get closer to your truth and provide that opportunity for others.
Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh once said,
**"The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence."**

Choosing Presence Everyday - Eckhart Tolle

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Until next time

Be courageous and try something new.

You are doing great.

Tab

Coaching Intelligence™

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References

Brackett, M. (2019). Permission To Feel; unlock the power of emotions to help yourself and your child thrive. London. Macmillan Publishers.

Brown, C. B. (2018). Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough conversations. Whole hearts. London. Penguin Random House
Brown, C. B. (2022). Atlas of the Heart; mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. New York. Penguin Random House
David, S. (2016). Emotional Agility; get unstuck, embrace change and thrive in work and life. Great Britain. Penguin Random House
Muscara, C. (2019) Stop Missing Your Life: The Power of Being Present – to Grow, Change and Find Happiness. Little, Brown Book Group. Kindle Edition.
Leonard, Tabitha. (2022). Conversations That Matter; how to have deep coaching conversations that shift pedagogy and impacts on learning. Self Published
Leonard. Tabitha. (2020) Beyond Inquiry; a deeper look at learning. Self Published
Trimboli, O. (2017). Deep Listening: Impact beyond words. Self-published.
Shetty, Jay. Think Like a Monk: The secret of how to harness the power of positivity and be happy now (p. 241). HarperCollins Publishers. Kindle Edition

Web References