The Neurochemistry Of Listening

The Neurochemistry of Listening.

Leadership is listening.

It’s said that, on a typical business day, we spend 45% of our time listening, 30% talking, 16% reading and 9% writing. Amongst all this, the action that has the most impact on others is listening.
Imagine if you could amplify the impact you have in that fraction of time. Concerning strengthening the impact of leaders, imagine if we could also get the 30% - the talking fraction - right. That's an increased impact on a day's actions that make up 75% of your efforts as a leader.

Speaking + listening = 75%

How we communicate, what we say and how we say it is all dictated by the listening quality.

Have you ever considered the messages you give out in conversation?
Even when listening, we are broadcasting extremely loud messages to the other person. These are picked up and interpreted by our neurochemical system. This article in Forbes looks at body language, facial expressions, mood and natural behavioural tendencies.

If we understand how the external expression triggers our internal neurochemistry, we can regulate our response and the outcome of our listening and speaking.

Did you know that there are actually two conversations running in parallel to each other in any dialogue? The conscious words and actions conversation and the unconscious neurochemical conversation. This neurochemical conversation influences how we connect and impact each other during interactions.

"We create others in communication. Not just who we are, but who they are." Ester Perel

All our conversations are coloured with expectations - created by what we think and believe - and experiences that impact what we want, hear and say in a conversation.

One of the most extraordinary things we can learn is understanding how we co-create each other in a conversation. In other words, understand the expectations, beliefs and meaning for ourselves and the other person in our conversations. One person never creates the conversation story alone. It is always a co-creation.

The way I speak is influenced by the way I listen, the way I see myself is influenced by the way you see me. Knowing and understanding how the story gets created is the key, and it starts with listening - really listening - to connect.

Conversations create chemical cocktails. Even when we are “just” listening, there is a subconscious exchange of energy transcribed in our bodies as a release of neurochemicals that trigger emotions. We interpret these emotions as feelings. This neurochemical conversation underpins every communication and runs parallel to the actions we take in a conversation.

All of this happens in our subconscious before we become aware of or sense that either the person is authentically interested in what we are saying or not. Before we even conclude that we are conscious of it, our neurochemistry has decided for us.

Understanding the neurochemical conversation starts with you. Noticing and regulating your neurochemistry is the place to start.

Marc Brackett talks about RULER in his excellent book - Permission to Feel.
I love the idea behind RULER. Here it is -
R - Recognise - Recognising the occurrence of emotion—by noticing a change in one's thoughts, energy, or body or someone else's facial expression, body language, or voice.
U - Understand - which means that we know the cause of emotions and see how they influence our thoughts and decisions.
L - label refers to making connections between an emotional experience and the precise terms to describe it.
E - Express means knowing how and when to display our emotions, depending on the setting, the people we're with, and the larger context.
R - Regulate - which involves monitoring, tempering, and modifying emotional reactions in helpful ways to reach personal and professional goals

Try this…
We can take the concept of RULER and apply it to conversations.
RULER can help us understand how we co-create each other and how the conversation story is created.

Recognise - The emotions being triggered in your conversation.
Understand - What is causing this emotion and notice how the emotions(s) influence our thoughts and decisions and what we say.
Label - Make the connection between the emotion and the correct terms to describe it.
Express - Choose how you want to express the emotion in the conversation.
Regulate - monitor, temper, and modify emotional reactions in conversations to move towards a better conversation for all.

Apply RULER to your conversations.

What do you notice?
Can you recognise what triggers you in a conversation and notice if it is useful or not?