What we miss when we don’t pay enough attention…
When we pay attention to the patterns and the language people use in our conversations, we unlock and lean into the zone of the unspoken.
As a result of attention we are able to use questions that elevate awareness, build trust and demonstrate that we are listening deeply. All of which activate four of the seven Coaching Intelligence competencies - Awareness, Presence, Trust and Listening.
We can think up to 900 words a minute yet speak on average 125 words per minute. There is an 11 % chance that a person's first words on a topic are what they think, feel or believe. When we listen into the energy and pattern of what is said, we become privileged to gain a peek into the underlying engine room of thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Give full attention in a conversation. You will experience an unseen and often unheard conversation, like seeing into the infrared or ultraviolet spectrum of conversation—the energetic vibration of the very atoms that formulate what's being communicated. I get it; I just went there, into the land of the weird and unknown, yet it is true. Coaches who listen for patterns in language and give attention to the unspoken can unlock insights and clarity like no other. It's all about attention and language patterns, so let's look at these things: Attention, patterns, adjectives, nouns, verbs and pronouns.
Attention
Amishi Jha in Peak Mind describes attention as being finite and flexible. It's a choice about where to direct your attention in the moment and what's appropriate in the current situation, context, or relationship. Think of Attention as a triangle: the base is the present moment, and the sides are two forms of attention—one side is receptive attention so we can notice, observe, and be, and the other is responsive attention, so we are focused and flexible. In both receptive and responsive forms, attention is not only a precious brain resource—it's a currency, one of our most valuable currencies. The people in our lives notice what, where, and who we spend it on. So in many ways, attention is our highest form of love.
Paying attention versus giving attention
When you pay attention, you feel constrained, restricted, and limited. It makes listening feel like a task or a chore. However, giving attention comes from a very different place than paying attention. It is an act of curiosity, generosity, and possibility. When you give your complete attention, you become fully immersed in the conversation, free from distractions. You become fully present. You notice what they say and what they haven't said. You see the connection between what and how they say it. This is all possible because your working memory can attend to your listening.
Consequently, it is much easier to pause and be patient. It is impossible to give your complete and undivided attention to 100% of people and conversations, 100% of the time. Continuously giving your attention has its downsides.
Giving Attention to Adjectives
Adjectives can paint a picture of how people feel about something. How they describe their experiences can indicate their emotions about the event rather than describe it.
Adjectives might be used to explain the energy, shape, or size of a problem. Patterns in adjectives emerge in the way people describe issues.
When teachers talk about their classes, their choice and use of adjectives can generate a picture of the unsaid and is often worth reflecting that pattern to the speaker. To do this, start with reflection, followed by a short question. Then, encapsulate the essence and, if possible, the emotion of what your client shared.
Michael Henderson is an anthropologist specializing in corporate cultures. He shares that adjectives are "road signs" that can tell you which direction the person is coming from or which direction the person is attempting to go in. "By listening to those adjectives repeatedly, you get a sense of their worldview," he said. "By listening carefully to the language and repeated patterns, you can bring this to their attention.
Giving Attention to Pronouns
Pronouns are linguistic shortcuts to describe someone. They may include I, you, she, he, it, they, their, them, and us. Pronouns are useful shortcuts to understanding the speaker's orientation. When their attention is inward facing, they speak about self - They are I-centric and use I, my. When their attention is outward facing, they are more likely to be using we or us. They are we-centric.
If they're stuck in a monologue and you notice through their pronouns that it's a pattern focused on me, ask them a question from a different perspective: we or they.
Absolute and Relative References
Listen in for absolutes. Absolutes are a clear signal about underlying assumptions that the speaker is making. Absolute terms include have, must need, want, always, never, all, none, every, true, false, necessary, and unconditional, to name a few. When you hear the use of this language, you are inside the thinking of the speaker. This is an insight into their mental models and narratives. These references come across either as intrinsically motivated or intrinsically motivated things.
Let’s take a look at a few:
Externally motivated, generated because of pressure from the outside. External forces are influencing thinking. Has an “If it was really up to me, I probably wouldn't" feel to it.
I feel like I have to make this a priority
I should probably make this a priority
I think maybe this should be a priority
Intrinsically motivated, generated by pressure from the inside. Internal forces such as values and beliefs are influencing thinking. Has an "If it was really up to me I definitely would" feel to it.
I want to make this a priority
I need to make this a priority
It's important that I make this a priority
I must make this a priority
We should be making this a priority.
Listen, notice and use reflective inquiry to ask. Don't assume.
When you understand the foundations of their thinking, you better understand how they make sense of their reality and how it will influence their future.
How are you listening?
Be courageous and try something new.
References
Franklin, Marion. (2019) The HeART of Laser-Focused Coaching: A Revolutionary Approach to Masterful Coaching. Thomas Noble Books. Kindle Edition.
Jha, Amishi P. (2021) Peak Mind: Find Your Focus, Own Your Attention, Invest 12 Minutes a Day. Little, Brown Book Group. Kindle Edition.
Reynolds, Marcia. (2020) Coach the Person, Not the Problem. Berrett-Koehler Publishers. Kindle Edition.
Rock, David. (2007) Quiet Leadership. HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.
Treasure, Julian. (2017) How to be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening. Mango Media. Kindle Edition.
Trimboli, Oscar (2022). How to listen. Discover the hidden key to better communication.
