Why do we spend most of our time listening to fix?
Jane is a busy professional with huge responsibilities at work and at home. As a deputy principal responsible for teaching and learning at a large college, she always has people coming to her to solve their problems. It is exhausting. She has received awards for her Leadership and has consistently been at the top of her profession. But she finds leading in these times tough. She is constantly asking, "why do I feel like I spend my days bouncing from one problem to the next? Can't people solve their own problems?"
Based on how she has led in the past, Jane thinks that more talking, more energy, and faster communication with others to solve their problems is her way out of time-consuming back-to-back meetings. She needs to realise that this approach to Leadership is no longer effective and leaves her feeling drained and disillusioned. Her tired and disillusioned behaviours are becoming evident to others in the senior leadership team and her principal.
Those that report directly to Jane speak of feeling micromanaged. They feel rushed, interrupted and undervalued. To them, she comes across as arrogant, close-minded, quick to judge and too proud to admit she could be wrong or acknowledge a mistake. They feel they are not allowed to think for themselves and have to run everything past her before they can act.
Jane is physically present yet mentally distant when she arrives for a team meeting or individual discussion. As a result, the others withdraw and tell her what she wants to hear because they know she isn't listening. These miscommunications have cost her team their creativity, curiosity, courage, and ability to solve problems. As a result, projects often run late, and things take so much longer than they should to plan and implement.
What is missing from Jane is her ability to listen deeply. The ability to listen to a person's energy, state of mind and what others are thinking, not merely saying. Listen to people's fears, aspirations, and feelings and how their actions align with their words.
Jane is not isolated or unique in facing these challenges. This is a common problem in the workplace. People believe that the most effective way to communicate and influence someone is solely through advising. Leadership is listening.
Listening is a skill, a strategy, and a practice—a way to balance how you communicate." - Oscar Trimboli.
It is time leaders learned how to improve people's thinking. Thinking is what many employees are being paid to do, after all. Many employees are highly competent individuals who will thrive on this approach. They want to work smarter and be smarter, and they are crying out for help.
It is possible to balance speaking and listening to create powerful and influential communicators. Leaders who listen, listen deeply to your fears and aspirations. They see your full potential. They hear what is going in for you at that moment: what you feel, say, don't say, think and mean. These leaders are connected communicators and know how to get the best out of their people.
When I reflect on problems people bring to coaching, they are often centred around the actions of another person. It is not uncommon to centre our challenges and issues around the actions of others. For example, it takes high levels of self-awareness for a person to pause and reflect on their contribution to the circumstances.
Interestingly, when we hear someone expressing frustration or difficulty with another person, we tend to offer advice.
Move from listening to fix to listening to receive
Based on scientific research, we literally only hear what we listen for. We pay special attention to what we expect to see, hear, feel, or taste. What we perceive is a combination of what we sense and of our brains' memory-derived predictions… 'Prediction' means that the neurons involved in sensing become active before receiving sensory input. When the sensory input does arrive, it is compared with what was expected…Prediction is not just one of the things your brain does. It is the primary function of the neocortex and the foundation of intelligence. In other words, when you listen to people, unless you consciously choose a certain way to listen, you will listen to prove your existing theories about this person.
However, when we are listening to support someone to rethink opinions and beliefs or to see things from different perspectives, we need to listen to receive rather than understand. For most of us, when we listen, we listen with cognitive awareness to do one of the following:
We tend to listen
for opportunities to sound intelligent
for a chance to seem funny
for how you can sound important
to get the information you want
to external distractions such as other noises, music, etc.
for what's going on with the other person
to your thoughts and not listening at all
to see how you can help
to understand the problem
for how you can benefit
We need to listen to receive to bring out the best in people and transform performance in conversations. We listen in a non-judgmental way to...
Hear their words
Notice the shifts in posture and expression
Catch subtle shifts in emotions
Sensing when there is something they have not said.
You can sense people's desires, disappointments, needs, frustrations, hopes, and doubts when they can't or have trouble articulating these experiences themselves.
Connected Communicators Listen to Receive.
The Coaching Intelligence™ definition of Listening
Listening is a way of being in conversation with another in a coaching conversation. The back-and-forth exchange, with all parties hearing and responding to one another's opinions. The absolute focus is on what is and isn't being said. Listening is the ability to tap into the unsaid meaning in the context of the other person's desires and self-expression.
Five actions you can take to listen to receive
Listen for values, beliefs and goals.
Two extremely exciting things happen when you listen for the more profound influences in what people are saying.
You can begin to support them to gain insights into what is important to them and why they approach things the way they do. This brings the unconscious to light, thus allowing a person to choose who and how they want to be.
People feel valued, seen and heard and feel that you care. As a result, they will bring the best version of themselves to the work you do together.
Use reflective Inquiry to deepen reflection and raise awareness - Summaries, paraphrases, reiterates.
When a person hears back their choice of words, the brain has an opportunity to check the meaning against existing mental maps. One of two things happens:
The conviction behind the meaning of the words consolidates, and they go on to speak more of their thoughts.
They recognise that their word choice does not truly represent their additional thoughts and will expand their expression of what they are thinking.
Support the integration and building of ideas
Given that, on average, people speak at 125 words per minute yet have the capacity to think up to 900 words per minute, the mathematics of communication indicate that within sixty seconds, a speaker can only express 14 % of what they may be thinking. When we support the integration and building of ideas, we support insights created through the interconnection of multiple mental maps within the brain. Thoughts and ideas are connected, and insights occur when connections are made between thoughts allowing the expansion of perceptions, beliefs and pre-existing assumptions.
Listen for the four Ps; Pitch, Pace, Pause and Position.
The way a person speaks (pitch, pace) tells of the energy behind what is said and provides more information to the context that is often worth reflecting back to the speaker, so they have an opportunity to become aware of the pattern and to make meaning of the pattern.
A pause in a conversation is an indication of deeper thought. In his International Bestseller, Thinking Fast and Slow, Daniel Kahneman speaks of thinking systems one and two. System 1 thinking is a near-instantaneous process; it happens automatically, intuitively, and with little effort. Driven by instinct and our experiences. System 2 thinking is slower and requires more effort. It is conscious and logical. When a conversation is slowed down and space is created, we enable thinking system two to come online, enabling deeper reflection and thoughts to be spoken. A pause allows a greater connection between thoughts and feelings. Deeper meaning-making is achieved.
The position is how we notice the body's movement as ideas and thoughts are spoken. As humans, we talk with our whole body. For many, their movement and body positioning (proprioception) is unconscious. When a position is bought to conscious awareness, we can check for meaning and create a narrative that we can then speak into to support greater insight and understanding.
Encourage, accept and acknowledge feelings, perceptions, concerns, beliefs and suggestions.
Acknowledgement is the non-judgemental lever from which we can support deeper reflection and sharing. Think of a thought as a spark of energy in our brain. It remains a puff of energetic possibility until it is spoken. When our thoughts are expressed, they change phase and consolidate in a way from which we can work with them and use them. Neuroscientifically, what is happening is thought is the creation of a new neural pathway between neurons in our brain. When we speak our thoughts, we create more permanent neural connections between neurons across multiple brain areas. The more those new pathways are used, the stronger they become, consolidating those ideas and making them part of the regular neural system. That is why speaking or writing our ideas strengthens and makes them easier to recall.
Connected Communicators Catalyse Curiosity
Something magical happens when I ask people in workshops to try listening this way. They report that their internal chatter becomes almost nonexistent. They find themselves seeing the other person in a new way, becoming fascinated by what they have to say. They find themselves being very present and in the moment and, above all, having a much better time as they listen. And listen they do—reporting that most of their attention goes into listening deeply when they are listening for potential.
Reflective Activity
Julian Treasure's viral TED Talk, 5 Ways to Listen Better.
His formula for listening is RASA, which stands for receive, appreciate, summarise, and ask. When I deliver Coaching Intelligence workshop workshops for leaders, I teach them this formula as a way to use a coaching approach in their leadership conversations. They do exercises to experience what fully receiving and appreciating the talker's perspective feels like. Most admit they struggled with not jumping in to give advice, but the concept of receiving without judgment and appreciating the person's experience helped the leaders stay present. Then, adding in the requirement to summarize and ask only clarifying questions forces them to focus their attention on the person they are listening to.
Receiving the person entirely, not just listening to them, is critical for using reflective Inquiry to coach the person, not the problem. The act of receiving means you take in what clients offer you. You hear their words, notice their shifts in expression and posture, catch the subtle shifts in emotion, and sense when there is something they haven't said. When you accept and honour people for who they are and what they are experiencing, they are more likely to open up and explore with you.
Receive - without judgement
Appreciate- giving little visual and auditory cues that you are fully engaged.
Summarise - "So, what you're saying is…" you affirm, and they can check you've received what they were trying to send.
Ask - ask relevant and appropriate questions throughout, and especially at the end
Receive and then offer your clients what you see, hear, and feel to help them better understand the experience. Release their emotions so you can hold a safe space for them to process your offering.
Be courageous and try something new
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References
Dethmer, Jim; Chapman, Diana; Klemp, Kaley. (2014) The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership: A New Paradigm for Sustainable Success. Conscious Leadership Forum 54 Cumbre Lane, Scotts Valley 95066. Kindle Edition.
Mether, Leah. (2019) Soft Is The New Hard. Methmac Communications Pty Ltd. Kindle Edition.
Patton, Bruce; Stone, Douglas; Heen, Sheila. (2011) Difficult Conversations. Penguin Books Ltd. Kindle Edition.
Reynolds, Marcia. (2020) Coach the Person, Not the Problem. Berrett-Koehler Publishers. Kindle Edition.
Reynolds, Marcia. (2014) The Discomfort Zone: How Leaders Turn Difficult Conversations Into Breakthroughs. Berrett-Koehler Publishers. Kindle Edition.
Rock, David. (2007) Quiet Leadership. HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.
Treasure, Julian. (2017) How to be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening. Mango Media. Kindle Edition.
Trimboli, Oscar. (2017) Deep listening; impact beyond words. Self Published.
Trimboli, Oscar (2022). How to listen. Discover the hidden key to better communication.
