Clarify Your Approach
Three Steps That Will Set Your Conversations Up For Success.
Jane is a middle leader I coach. Jane sat down with her line manager, excited about the conversation ahead. She had many ideas about moving the project forward and looked forward to brainstorming their next steps. She thrived on collaboration and innovating to make a difference.
As the meeting began, she realised the meeting was going to be nothing like what she had imagined. Her heart sank as she listened to the list of must-dos and how-to dos flying her way. She tuned out as her line manager started talking.., “now Jane, I have been thinking, and this is what we need to do….” Jane knew this was her cue just to shut up and listen and do as she was told. She wondered as she listened about how she would grow as a leader if she were to spend her time just following instructions.
Jane knew from past experiences that once her line manager got on a roll like this, there was no space for her ideas, and when she tried to share her thoughts, she got put in her place, so she kept quiet. It was not worth trying to contribute. She knew if she did, she would get the response, “oh, that's a good idea, but we are going to do it this way this time”.
Jane wondered if it was worth speaking up or doing it her way, regardless of what she was told. She considered that for a few minutes and decided resisting wasn’t worth it. Her line manager was in a position to make her life hell, and she likely would if Jane was to do her own thing. So she chose to do as she was told even though she felt undervalued and not listened to.
Have you been in Janes's position? Have you been the line manager? From my personal experience, I would say yes to both at different times.
Liz Wiseman, the author of Multipliers, suggests the role of a leader has shifted —moving away from a model where the manager knows, directs, and tells and toward one where the leader sees, provokes, asks, and unleashes the capabilities of others. That is what Jane was looking for in her line manager. For Jane, her desire drove her expectations for interactions with her line manager, and she experienced disappointment when that expectation was unmet. It is an easy fix that leans into the concept popularised by Brene Brown in her work in Dare To Lead. It's a simple concept, yet many leaders find it hard to implement. Clear is kind.
This conversational tension goes the other way, too.
When I talk to people who don’t know about the conversation compass, they always say to me, "When I'm having a conversation, I go into that conversation with the intent to let people know what I need them to do next. All I get in return is either apathy or argument. What’s that about?"
Or "I always start the conversation by asking for people's opinions. I want to collaborate and innovate to find some shared solutions. But they just sit there and wait for me to tell them what to do. Do I always have to carry this team? Why can’t they think for themselves?”.
Several things are happening here for the leader and the team members that create this complex system of conversational behaviours. As we unravel the complexity, one thing must be at the front of our minds. Great conversations start with you.
We will examine how we overcome these frustrations around conversations not meeting expectations and, therefore, not becoming as effective and efficient as possible, and look at how we get the right conversation happening at the right time and get everybody on the same page.
A research study out of Stanford University around communication in the workplace indicated that 9 out of 10 conversations missed the mark. Now, that is a rather disturbing statistic. However, there is a relatively simple reason why this happens.
I see two common mistakes that impact the quality of the conversation.
The most common mistake occurs when participants enter the conversation with different understandings about the purpose of the conversation. One participant has already decided what needs to be done. Their intention is to advise. The other person expects to contribute their ideas and thoughts, be heard, and feel valued. The second mistake occurs when we assume everyone thinks the same way as ourselves.
To overcome these mistakes, we can use the conversation compass to navigate a shared conversation. Four types of conversations are outlined in the conversation compass, an adaptation of the conversational dashboard proposed by Judith Glasser in her book Conversational Intelligence. These four conversations are summarised below:
Watch the video here to learn about the conversation compass.
To move beyond experiencing miscommunication, there are three very simple steps you can take that will transform your conversations. This is an internally reflective process you go through before a conversation to enable you to
Decide what kind of conversation is needed.
What is the best way to approach the conversation?
How will you communicate that intent to the other person so you are both starting on the same page?
The big idea is that conversations are more effective and efficient when people are in lockstep and enter the conversation from the same space.
A really useful way to use this model is with the following questions of reflection.
Think about you - What is your best approach?
Things to consider:
What do you think is the best approach for this particular situation?
Is there scope for sharing ideas, or is the decision already made, and all you need to do is inform others of the decision?
Is this conversation informational, or is it transformational?
Is it something the other person needs to do? Or do they have a different opinion that you need to influence?
Is it something that you need to let them know? - Are you going to inform?
Think about the other participants - What might the other person expect in the conversation?
Things to consider:
What might the other person expect in the conversation?
Do you expect them to want to contribute ideas, or will they expect you to provide the information?
Will they have an opinion that they feel is essential, or do you expect them to not really care in this case?
Is this an area of growth for them? What do you think they need?
An Example
If you have a team member who you think should be taking more responsibility with decision-making, it is possible that you feel that way because you are frustrated with having to tell them what to do all the time. As a result, this person possibly comes to a conversation expecting you to tell them what to do. Suppose you want them to stretch out of that habit, share their ideas, and take ownership of what they're doing. Then we want to elevate them into interact, where you can brainstorm.
How might you clarify your approach with the other person?
Things to consider:
Think about the context of the conversation.
When thinking about the other person, consider how the context may impact them. By doing this, you can identify how to invite the other person into the conversation and make it safe for them to participate.
This step aims to prevent differing expectations from arising in conversations. When you frame what is expected in the invitation, you create the space for both of you to step into the conversation from the same place. When you start together, three things happen.
You create safety
You are likelier to stay together in the conversation, stay curious and minimise unhelpful conflict.
Gain better outcomes as you decrease the gaps between intent and impact.
The other person's interpretation creates the gap between intention and impact. The more significant the gap, the less effective your conversions will be.
By outlining expectations and naming the kind of conversation, you need to have in the invitation; you minimise this effect.
Here is how you do it,
TELL - I'd love to chat to let you know… what will happen next in project x.
ASK - I'd love to chat and hear your thoughts about our approach to project x.
See the difference. Do this, and you will set your conversation up for success before you start.
What to look out for:
It may be hard to zero in on the other things that will transform your conversations. So what you can do is join me for a free webinar where I will outline how to confidently and effectively communicate no matter who you are talking to.
Comment below COACH APPROACH below, and I will get you the details.
Key Takeaways
Congratulations! You just learned the three steps before starting a tricky conversation to set it up for success. Follow the steps above to make it safe and clarify engagement.
I've given you all my best tips, tools, and techniques to help ensure your success. Just knowing them isn't enough, though. It's time to act and get the results you've been dreaming about!
Use the Conversation Compass and those three key questions to guide you around your thinking in terms of; how you need to enter the conversation. What is your expectation for this conversation, and how will you let the other person know what's expected of them? When we do that, we set up our conversations to be effective, efficient, and highly successful.
References
Brown, Brene. Dare To Lead. (2018). Random House. New York
Glaser, Judith E.. Conversational Intelligence. (2014) Taylor and Francis. Kindle Edition.
Wiseman, Liz. Multipliers. Revised and Updated. How the best leaders make everyone smarter. (2017). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.
