Stop Judging | Start Accepting
"It's not perfect..."
That's an internal voice I need to regulate EVERY day. Acknowledge it and receive it with compassion.
What it is really saying is you are not perfect.
Then the logical voice responds, 'yeah, and who is...stand down Perfectionist Polly"
There is a tug-of-war going on in my head. This all happened when I looked at the photos of me presenting at a conference. A message jammed home as the photo was taken in front of a photo taken a number of years ago. (Perfectionist Polly is the name of my fixed mindset)
As I research and write my next book, I’m reminded of a truth I’ve spent years learning: self-acceptance is not about becoming enough—it’s about realising I always was. Not an easy pill to swallow - yet.
Cue the downward spiral.
On the big screen behind me was an older image of myself, taken years ago. The comparison was brutal. My mind fixated on the changes—the weight gain, the softer edges, the ways my body had shifted over time. Instead of celebrating that I was standing on stage, doing what I love, the first thought I had was: I don’t look like I used to.
I am still working with this reframe, and it's not always easy - or always feels true.
That’s when I realised something—perfectionism wasn’t just about doing things well. It was about proving my worth.
Where Perfectionism Begins: The Rules We Absorb
Perfectionism isn’t something we wake up with one day. It’s learned, ingrained in us from a young age through subtle, unspoken rules about what it means to be "good enough."
Growing up, I unconsciously learned the unspoken rules of worthiness. I tried to piece together my identity from approval, comparison, and the illusion of perfection. I never felt like I was enough—not smart enough, not good enough, not right enough.
I internalised beliefs that shaped how I saw myself:
What I think about myself must be what everyone else thinks about me. 💭
If I’m not perfect, I won’t be accepted. 😔
If I don’t look as slim, beautiful, or put-together as them, what I say will hold less value. 😔
If I make mistakes, I’ll be judged as not good enough. 😞
My potential is limited by how others see me. (And I assume they see me the same way I do.) ⛓️
My opinion of myself defines my value. 👀
Maybe you have your own version of these rules.
I waged a war against these for years. Trained hard and ate only the healthiest foods, often resulting in missing out on moments of connection and community because I couldn't/wouldn't participate in the parties and communion around food. If I hadn't gone to the gym, I would have failed. It was challenging, exhausting and unfulfilling.
And then my body said no more, perimenopause kicked in hard, and it didn't matter what I did or didn't eat or how hard I worked out - I still gained weight. The strategy I had deployed all those years no longer worked. I know I am not alone in this - I see it and hear about it all the time.
With a large amount of - ongoing - personal development, here is what I have learnt and what I’ve come to understand:
The story I am creating in my head is NOT the same as what others are thinking or saying. REFRAME *
I am worthy as I am, not as I “should” be. 💖
Mistakes don’t make me less—they make me human. ✨
Opportunities are not given; they are created. 🚀
My potential is limitless when I accept and believe in myself. 🔥
Others’ opinions are not a reflection of my truth. 🌟
The work I do is important, and others are depending on me.💥
But you know it's hard. Leaning into that reframe, that new mindset. REALLY hard. Especially in moments when I see pictures of myself and all the demons get loud.
The Cost of Comparison and Self-Worth
Perfectionism thrives on comparison.
It convinces us that our value is measured against an impossible standard—whether it’s our past selves, the curated images on social media, or the achievements of those around us.
That’s exactly what happened when I saw those conference photos. Instead of seeing evidence of my growth—of a person standing in her power, leading and teaching—I saw proof that I had fallen short in some way.
Comparison does this to us. It tricks us into believing we are in a competition we never signed up for. It tells us that success is a moving target, always shifting just out of reach. And it robs us of the ability to celebrate our own progress.
Why is self-acceptance such a challenge? Because the human brain is wired for survival—not happiness.
From an evolutionary standpoint, our minds are designed to detect threats, seek safety, and anticipate rejection. This means that our struggle with self-doubt, perfectionism, and fear isn’t just a personal failing—it’s a built-in, deeply ingrained feature of how we process the world.
Cognitive distortions—such as black-and-white thinking, catastrophising, and overgeneralisation—often reinforce negative self-perceptions. When perfectionism dominates, the brain operates under the belief that self-worth is contingent on external validation. This creates a cycle of chronic dissatisfaction and anxiety.
The key?
Small, intentional shifts.
At the core of perfectionism is fear—the fear of rejection, judgment, or not being "enough." From a psychological perspective, perfectionism is a coping mechanism designed to protect us from feelings of shame or inadequacy.
Here’s how it works in the brain:
Perfectionism activates the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for processing threats. This triggers a stress response, making even small mistakes feel like significant failures.
Our dopamine system reinforces the perfectionist loop—we get a hit of satisfaction when we meet high standards, but the moment we fall short, our self-worth takes a hit.
Social conditioning amplifies the cycle, teaching us that praise comes from performance, appearance, and meeting expectations.
Cognitive distortions take over, making us believe that anything less than perfect is unacceptable (black-and-white thinking).
Perfectionism hijacks self-worth, making external validation the primary measure of success rather than intrinsic value.
The result? We get trapped in a cycle of striving, self-criticism, and burnout, never fully feeling satisfied with ourselves.
The Shift: From Proving to Owning Your Worth
The good news? We don’t have to live this way.
What I’ve learned—and continue to practice—is that self-acceptance isn’t about becoming enough. It’s about realising we always were.
Here’s how I started shifting my perspective:
✅ Recognising the Inner Critic – That voice saying “It’s not perfect” isn’t reality. It’s conditioning. When I acknowledge it but don’t let it drive my actions, it starts to lose its power.
✅ Challenging the Beliefs – When I catch myself believing that my worth is tied to appearance, achievement, or external validation, I pause and ask: Says who? Who decided this was the rule, and why am I still following it?
✅ Reframing Comparison – Instead of measuring myself against an impossible standard, I now try to compare myself only to who I was yesterday. Am I learning? Am I growing? Am I showing up in ways that feel meaningful? That’s the real measure of progress.
✅ Focusing on Impact Over Perfection – When I shift my focus from myself to the reason I show up—to help, to teach, to serve—the noise quiets. It’s no longer about whether I’m perfect. It’s about whether I’m present.
4 Things You Can Do Today to Elevate Self-Acceptance
Interrupt the Comparison Cycle
Every time you find yourself comparing, stop and list three things you’re grateful for about yourself today.
Celebrate Small Wins
Instead of waiting to feel "good enough," acknowledge what you did well today. Write down one success, no matter how small.
Practice Self-Compassion
When you make a mistake, speak to yourself as you would to a friend:
❌ "I failed. This is embarrassing."
✅ "This is part of learning. I can handle it."
Do One Thing for Yourself Without Seeking Approval
Wear what you love, share an idea without overanalysing, or take a break without guilt. Small actions of self-trust build self-worth over time.
For years, perfectionism convinced me that if I did everything right, I’d finally feel at peace. But the truth is, no amount of external validation can fill a space that only self-acceptance was meant to hold.
What if you stopped proving? What if you started owning who you are right now?
That’s where real freedom begins.
And I think you’re ready for it.
Hands down the best PD I’ve ever done!
The last cohort of Conversational Intelligence Training loved what they learned. I caught. up with one of them recently - now 12 months since the training.
Here's what she had to say about it...
"Hands down, the best PD I’ve ever done. It’s transformed how I approach communication, equipping me with the knowledge and understanding to manage relationships and difficult conversations confidently —this was truly invaluable, and I am STILL using the strategies I learned during the training!." - Jane, HoD.
We've got three events scheduled in the coming months!
Auckland - Thursday, March 20th
ONLINE - Tuesday, March 25th
Hamilton - Tuesday, April 1st
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