The Four Biggest Challenges We Have in Conversations

29 May

Did you know that conversations are composed of 7% listening, 38% speaking and 55% nonverbal prompts? They are multidimensional, not linear and comprised of what we think, what we say, what we mean, what others hear and how we feel about it afterwards.

Over the last five years, I have asked thousands of people what their biggest challenge is when it comes to conversations at work. In doing this research, we have found these key challenge themes:

Listening deeply in conversations
Feeling like you are not being heard
Asking questions that deepen the conversation
When and how you enter the conversation

Listening Deeply in Conversations

Many leaders we spoke to as part of our research did not consider listening as a priority in a conversation. For many, the focus sat with the message they were trying to get across and unfortunately, this aligns with many conversations we sat in on as part of this research.

If we consider our depth of listening as a continuum, we listen at different levels, each with a different focus – from surface to deep. Listen to yourself, listen to the content & listen for the meaning.

Most Conversation Masterclasses participants locate themselves on the listening continuum at listening to themselves. Paying attention just to the internal dialogue - that is, formulating how they are going to get their point across.

Conversation Blindspots

One of the biggest conversation blindspots is the assumption that we remember what others say. However, many things distract us from listening deeply during a conversation. These include -

A busy mind.
Checking emails
Thinking about what is coming up next.
Holding an internal debate around what is being said.

As a result, often, what we do recall is what we think or how we feel about what others say, rather than the actual content of the conversation. I call this the assumption blindspot.

If we take action based on what we think or feel about what others say, it means we have missed the depth of the conversation. This leads to others feeling as though they have not been heard.

Feelings of Not Being Heard.

Consider the assumption blindspot mentioned above.

What someone says and what we think or feel about what has been said lead to two very different -what I refer to as - realities existing as a result of the conversation. This is one reason we can leave a conversation feeling as though we have not been heard.

Interestingly, researchers have concluded two things about listening:

We drop out of conversations every twelve to eighteen seconds to process what people are saying.
We often remember what we think about what another person is saying because that results in a stronger internal process and chemical signal. In other words, our inner listening and dialogue trump the other person's speech.

So how does that impact the person speaking? That's right; again, the feeling of not being heard.

The assumption blindspot often leads to a situation that most of us have experienced first-hand. One thing is being communicated, and yet the participants are doing something completely different. #theyjustdontlisten

So, how best to deal with this? There is something you can do in your conversations right now to prevent being in the situation of feeling that you have not been heard.

#ASK

Could you walk me through the meaning you made from…?
Can you paint for me what success will look like for you?
Can you walk me through how you intend to approach….?
What are you thinking, feeling and wanting?
How might this look for you?

Our second listening blindspot is that in a conversation, we often assume that others see what we see, feel what we feel and think what we think. When we are attached to our point of view, we are unable to connect with others' perspectives. If we were able to, we would realise how differently they see the world.

Instead, we pick up on the lack of connectivity and switch on a stronger need to persuade others we are right. Human beings have an addiction to being right. When we convince others we are right; our dopamine level goes up. As dopamine is part of the brain's reward centre, the result is like that of a natural high. Winning a point makes us feel good. It also can make others feel bad, but we often don't realise or acknowledge that.

Asking Questions To Deepen Conversations

There are three levels of expression when it comes to conversations.

Level One - What's Happening?
Level Two - What do you make it mean?
Level Three - What is it really about?

Often we seek more in-depth information than our questions encourage. Many of our questions are at level one, yet we seek information that is closer to level two or three. If we can get in the habit of asking more open, in-depth questions, we will get much closer to the type of information we seek.

Many leaders mine for data-orientated specifics when they ask questions in a conversation when a more profound, open question would support and encourage teachers to build their story around the data-orientated specifics. Data without context (story) is meaningless, so leaders need to ask better questions in order to seek more information and build a story around the data.

When, Where & How to Approach Conversations.

How many times have you, as a teacher, been stopped in the corridor by a team leader or deputy principal asking you for your opinion about something or your latest student data - and you pull a blank? You cannot answer the question - yet you know the answer...if only…

Isn't it funny how you can always think of a witty or smart retort after the fact in a conversation where you have been "put on the spot"? Let's take a look at this from a neurological angle. Take the scenario where you are walking to your classroom on your way to teach a class. You are stopped and asked a question by your team leader. A question that you know the answer to - typically - but at that moment in time…. Nope, nothing comes to mind.

Here is what is happening - as you walk down the corridor, your mind is on other things. There is a constant flow of thoughts running through your head - actually, it's up to 900 thoughts per minute, but let's not go there at the moment. #internaldialogue

You may have been running through the finer details of the next block of learning for your students or the next thing on your to-do list. The disruption to the flow of your internal dialogue puts your system into react mode.

In react mode, our fear-based neural networks are activated, causing us to process reality through a fear-based lens instead of a trust-based one. Fear-based neural networks operate out of the part of the primitive brain called the amygdala. This part is hardwired with the well-developed instincts of fight, flight, freeze, or appease that have evolved over millions of years.

When we feel surprised, are found off guard or are threatened, the amygdala activates the immediate impulses that ensure survival. Our brains are on lockdown and no longer open to influence. Our good judgment gives way to defensive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive behaviours that significantly impact our ability to be effective at our jobs or find the answers to simple questions.

I have seen and been party to many such stop-in-your-tracks questions by leaders. It's stressful and makes you feel stupid when you can't grab the right thought from the 900 odd running through your head to give the correct answer.

As leaders, if we want great thinking and access to great thoughts from our staff, we need to be mindful of where, when and how we ask questions to our team.

I recently had a conversation with a leader in which she outlined how she had gone into a classroom that morning and asked the teacher some questions about her priority learners. Her question was:

How do you know how your priority learners are going, and what are you doing to support them?

(The word trust is coming up for me right now, how about you?)

The leader shared that she felt her teachers had no idea how their learners were going nor what they were doing to support them. At this proclamation, I remained silent and encouraged her - through my body language - to tell me more. There was a pause, silence, and then the leader went on to say that with more questions, the teacher was able to talk in-depth about how the students were going and what was being done to support learning.

Initially, this leader was blaming the teacher and made judgements about her knowledge of her students. However, with gentle coaching, she soon realised that her actions led to her staff member not being able to give her the information she was seeking at that moment. She was able to see that it was the timing and content of the question that stopped her staff member from giving her the answer she was seeking.

The Leaders' actions that lead to the judgement made:

When and where the question is asked.
Being in the middle of an instruction block with a classroom full of students is not ideal. Teachers’ minds are not on the data but on noticing and responding in the right way to the learners and the learning process.
How the question is asked.
How do you know how your priority learners are going, and what are you doing to support them? In the classroom context, during an instructional block, this presents as a judgemental approach that causes a distrust neurochemical response.

Some better questions given in the same context would be -

Can we catch up at the break? I would love to hear about how your priority learners are going and what you are doing to help them progress.
Can you paint what success looks like for your priority learners in their literacy journey? Can you tell me more about what you are doing to make that happen?

The Outcome.

As we unpacked her conversation with the teacher, the leader realised that it wasn't until she had changed her question that the teacher could open up and share what the program and the student's learning actions were really about.

I'm passionate about leaders having better conversations and knowing their impact when they do.

I help leaders see what is really happening in their teams and teach them skills and strategies based on conversational intelligence. How to have the right conversation; with the right people; in the right way to transform performance.

Go well in your conversations.

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