How to Lead with Conversational Intelligence

A Modern Guide to Transformational Leadership

The pressure is on, the deadline is looming, and the team is far from delivering the quality product they promised. What do you do? For many leaders, the instinct under pressure is to default to diagnose and direct—fixing the problem as quickly and quietly as possible. While this approach may provide short-term relief, its long-term consequences can be far-reaching, undermining trust, morale, and team performance.

Leadership is evolving. The days of relying solely on hierarchy and authority are fading. Today’s most effective leaders are not defined by their titles but by their ability to build trust, foster connection, and create alignment through meaningful conversations. This shift towards conversational leadership is transforming how we lead, collaborate, and solve problems. In today’s world, leadership is more about influence than authority.

Conversational Intelligence: The Key to Modern Leadership

In this blog post, we’ll explore how conversational intelligence can help you elevate your leadership and inspire your teams. Conversational intelligence is about understanding the nuances of communication—knowing which approach to use with whom to create the biggest impact.

Communication is nuanced. One size does not fit all. Leaders today must learn to move fluidly in the dance of conversation, adapting their style to get the best out of their people and achieve high-performing teams.

This struggle is something I frequently see in the leaders I coach. One of my favourite phrases to share with clients is, “To acknowledge is not necessarily to agree.” Acknowledging someone’s perspective is a true demonstration of presence and the practice of extraordinary influence. This deep empathy and connection can be incredibly transformational.

The Challenge of Leadership Evolution

There’s a 99% chance that the skills and expertise that made you successful in your previous roles won’t necessarily make you successful in leadership. Many leaders still default to outdated, authority-based methods, what I like to call the “Cartman approach” (yes, inspired by Eric Cartman from South Park yelling, “Respect my authoritah!”).

I’ve seen this mindset in many leaders—and even called out a friend on it recently. He hadn’t realised he was leading this way until it was pointed out. This highlights an essential truth: leadership today requires self-awareness, adaptability, and the willingness to move away from authority-driven behaviours.

Why Conversational Leadership Matters

Leadership is no longer about commanding outcomes. It’s about creating environments where trust, connection, and collaboration thrive. By embracing conversational intelligence, leaders can elevate their teams and themselves, ensuring long-term success in an ever-changing world. The ability to acknowledge, empathise, and engage in meaningful dialogue isn’t just a skill—it’s the foundation of modern leadership.

At its core, conversational leadership prioritises dialogue over directives. It’s about engaging in intentional, trust-building discussions that lead to innovation, collaboration, and alignment.

Here’s why this approach matters:

1. Trust is the Foundation of Influence
   Trust isn’t automatic—it must be earned. Consistent, authentic conversations build the kind of trust that drives loyalty, engagement, and creativity.

   • Brené Brown likens trust to a "marble jar," where small, meaningful actions add up over time.

   • John Gottman’s “Magic Ratio” emphasises maintaining at least five positive interactions for every negative one to nurture successful relationships.

2. Collaboration is Key
   Today’s complex problems require diverse perspectives and collaborative solutions. Leaders who engage their teams in open discussions and co-create solutions consistently outperform those who issue directives.

   • As Judith Glaser, pioneer of Conversational Intelligence®, said, “Conversations are the currency of change.”

3. Adaptability Demands Input
   In uncertain times, listening to your team’s diverse perspectives is critical for innovation and adaptability.

   • Glaser reminds us, “When we connect, navigate, and grow with others, we can accomplish extraordinary things.”

A Revolutionary Moment: From All Guns Blazing to Calm, Effective Conversations

For much of my leadership journey, I operated without a clear strategy when handling difficult conversations. My approach was simple—go in, guns blazing, tackle the issue head-on, and deal with the fallout later. There was no softness, no plan, and no consideration for the potential long-term impact. It was about solving the problem as quickly as possible, regardless of the damage left in its wake.

The result? Fireworks. Every. Single. Time.

This approach wasn’t sustainable, and it certainly wasn’t effective. I vividly recall one particular moment when I realised just how much my methods needed to change.

A Turning Point

I was called in to handle a difficult conversation with a parent who had clashed repeatedly with one of our teachers. The situation had escalated so badly that the teacher couldn’t face the parent anymore—it was intervention time. I knew this was going to be tough. The parent was angry, frustrated, and ready for a fight.

But this time, I approached the conversation differently. I had just started a course with Tabitha Leonard on conversational leadership, and I decided to put her strategies into practice. Armed with my notes and a systematic framework, I sat down to prepare for the call.

The parent started the conversation with, “This is the worst thing that has ever happened to my son.” Normally, this would have triggered my default reaction—defensiveness and a need to prove a point. But instead, I focused on staying calm and working through the process step by step.

I disarmed the situation by finding an emotional connection. I acknowledged the parent’s concerns without agreeing or dismissing them. I listened deeply, reflected back what I heard, and worked to establish an even playing field. Gradually, the tension eased.

By the end of the call, the parent’s tone had shifted completely. They said, “Please tell the teacher I’m sorry. I understand where he’s coming from now. Thank you for this conversation.”

This wasn’t just a resolution—it was a transformation. What began as an explosive situation turned into a collaborative, solution-focused dialogue.

A Revolutionary Realisation

When I hung up the phone, I was stunned. This works. It actually works. For the first time, I truly believed in the power of conversational leadership. I had seen it in action, and it had revolutionised not only the conversation but also how I felt during and after it.

I wasn’t drained, defensive, or frustrated. I was calm, collected, and confident. The framework I’d learned allowed me to approach the situation with clarity and purpose, turning conflict into collaboration.

Sharing the Impact

Shortly after, I was speaking to a Deputy Principal at another school about the course. We were discussing difficult parent interactions, and I found myself saying:
“This course has completely changed the way I approach difficult conversations—with parents, teachers, colleagues, anyone. It’s brilliant, and I think your entire staff should do it. Imagine how much better your school would function if every staff member had this knowledge.”

The thought stuck with me. What if every organisation could empower their people with these skills? Conversations aren’t just tools for communication—they’re the foundation of trust, alignment, and collective success.

From Fireworks to Collaboration

That single phone call marked a turning point in my leadership journey. It showed me that leadership isn’t about charging in with authority and directives. It’s about fostering trust, finding common ground, and creating solutions together.

The change wasn’t just in my conversations—it was in my mindset. And that has made all the difference.

How to Lead with Conversational Intelligence

Here’s a step-by-step guide to start applying conversational leadership principles in your interactions:

1. Set the Context for Trust

• Begin with a clear, positive intent to disarm defensiveness.

• Example: “I value your perspective, and I want us to work through this together.”

2. Use a Coach Approach and Ask Open-Ended Questions

• Replace assumptions with curiosity to invite deeper insights.

• Examples:

  • “What’s your perspective on this challenge?”

  • “How do you think we could approach this differently?”

3. Double Click for Meaning

• Clarifying Questions: Ask questions like, "Can you tell me more about that?" or "What do you mean by...?" to gain more insight.

• Probing for Context: Explore the background or reasoning behind a statement to fully understand the speaker's perspective.

• Validating Understanding: Paraphrase what you heard to ensure alignment, e.g., "So what you're saying is..."

4. Co-Create Solutions

• Transition from discussion to action by working collaboratively to solve the issue.

• Example: “What do you think the first step might look like?”

5. Reinforce Ownership

• Conclude by affirming their contribution and clarifying next steps.

• Example: “I appreciate your input. Let’s revisit this in a week to see how it’s going.”

When leaders embrace conversational intelligence, the impact extends far beyond the immediate conversation:

• Teams feel empowered, fostering creativity and collaboration.

• Organisations become environments where trust and innovation thrive.

• Leaders cultivate cultures of alignment and adaptability, unlocking the full potential of their teams.

Leadership is about influence, not authority

Leadership is no longer about issuing orders from a position of authority. It’s about fostering dialogue that inspires action and drives progress. By prioritising trust-building, curiosity, and collaboration, you can redefine what it means to lead in today’s fast-changing world.

Let’s move leadership forward—one meaningful conversation at a time. Are you ready to embrace this transformative approach? The future is waiting.